I’m Getting A Divorce: Does Mediation Really Work?
As a divorce mediation attorney in Walnut Creek, CA who has been practicing mediation for nearly 25 years, I’ve been at the forefront of a process that has now become very commonplace.
Mediation for divorce is now a commonly accepted practice for good reason. It works. Not only does it give you concrete tools to navigate one of the most painful passages of your life, it also provides a win-win framework that sets the stage for the relationship you and your spouse will carry forward long after the divorce is completed. This is especially important if you have children.
That’s because the underlying paradigm for mediation is ultimately one of shared purpose and shared knowledge – not the classic paradigm of win-lose that often creates and adversarial relationship that will only become more contentious with time.
Don’t get me wrong, divorce mediation is not a paradise without challenges. You and your spouse have to be willing to sit down and talk things over. If there is too much hurt and/or anger, this may not be a solution for you. Ultimately, you and your spouse need to be able to engage constructively with one another and in real time to resolve relevant issues.
If that is possible, divorce mediation can bring forth a pathway that is inherently less contentious because you and your spouse literally sit down at the same time in the same room and engage the skills of a trained neutral mediator. With the mediator’s help you can work through some of the tough issues and move the dissolution of your marriage steadily forward without unexpected and often time-consuming setbacks and breaches of trust.
Not only is mediation a confidential process, it is also flexible enough to meet the needs of many situations because it gives you and your spouse the latitude and tools to settle conflict and work together as co-parents for your children. During the 25 years I have been helping couples end their marriage (I’m now practicing in Walnut Creek and my collaborative colleagues and I also serve clients throughout Contra Costa and Alameda counties, including Orinda and East Bay), I have yet to meet a couple who knowingly wants to create an environment that is hurtful for their children.
Yet, that is often what unwittingly results from more adversarial divorces. Mediation provides a way for you and your spouse to work things out without becoming adversarial role models for your children. It also moves you into a paradigm of working things out, so you can carry that forward in your relationship as co-parents.
Mediation is unique because the mediator remains a neutral third party who can help educate both you and your spouse about the law. It also helps you and your spouse get clarity on solutions that can mutually meet both your needs and desires. This open exchange of information helps both you and your spouse negotiate with more certainty and confidence. Most important, in mediation, you and your spouse are in control of your own divorce. And because it is a completely voluntary process, it can be ended by either you or your spouse at any time.
Because everyone is working with the same information in real time, this process often moves much faster than a traditional, adversarial divorce. In a mediation setting, with an experienced and well-trained mediator, you can cover a lot of ground: financial issues including child custody and child support, parenting schedules, health insurance coverage, property division, possible tax consequences, and spousal support, to name only a few.
Research shows that couples who use divorce mediation are more satisfied with the process. They also spend less money on a process that is far less protracted than a traditional divorce. Because of this, mediation is often the right solution to help you and your spouse move on with your lives.
It’s my role as a divorce and mediation attorney in Walnut Creek, CA to empower both you and your spouse with the information you need to make the very best decisions. Also, mediators can prepare all the necessary documents, including the marital settlement agreement, which ultimately helps you to avoid the costs associated with subpoenas, depositions and other adversarial proceedings.
The 3 Keys to Divorcing Without Breaking the Bank
Let’s face it. Divorce is painful. No one enters a marriage with the notion that someday their marriage will fall apart. We all want our marriages to succeed. But sometimes, for a whole host of reasons, marriages fail (just look at the divorce statistics) and it’s time to move on, for the sake of you and your spouse as individuals and for the sake of your children.
And if you really want to move on in a manner that is actually healing for you, your spouse and your family, there are three pieces you need to put in place to avoid a protracted, ugly divorce that demands too much of your time and energy and empties your bank account.
Rule # 1: Talk to your spouse. I know on the surface it sounds ridiculous. The reason you are getting a divorce is because it is very difficult to talk to your spouse.
But I can tell you from 25 years as a divorce and mediation attorney (now practicing in Walnut Creek, CA), if you don’t talk to your spouse and engage your spouse in an honest, real-time exchange of information with a mediator or collaborative practice attorney present, your divorce will take longer and cost more money. It’s that simple. In the end, all divorces are about money. So the sooner you and your spouse come to the table together and work to resolve the issues and challenges, the sooner you can both move on with your respective lives.
If you remain in an adversarial process where one partner has to win at the expense of the other, you will ultimately never gain the control and peace of mind you seek. In fact, you will lose more control each day as grievances and misunderstandings escalate to a point of no return.
Even though it is painful, keeping the lines of communication and negotiation open is critical. If your spouse refuses to talk to you or convene in the same room with a professionally trained mediator, consider the collaborative practice model, in which you both retain attorneys. In this model, it may be possible to bring you, your attorney, your spouse and your spouse’s attorney to the table to begin to work things out.
Rule # 2: Put your kids first. Continuing in an adversarial process does damage to your kids and damages your ability to co-parent in the future. You and your spouse owe it to your kids to model respectful communication. In collaborative practice you can get the help of child specialist and divorce coaches to help you and your husband set the stage for the co-parenting you will do for the rest of your lives.
Rule # 3: Build a bridge to the future, instead of re-hashing the past. And realize that if you and your spouse agree to the open and honest sharing knowledge and commit with shared purpose to resolving your differences with respect and dignity, you actually take control of your own divorce. Without that bridge to the future, you lose control. When you lose control, your divorce takes more time, which costs more money.
In my divorce mediation practice in Walnut Creek, near both Concord and Pleasanton (my colleagues and I serve both Contra Costa and Alameda counties in California), we build those bridges. Divorce attorneys who do mediation and collaborative practice have the training to help you navigate this difficult journey with a dignity and purpose that will benefit you entire family. We eliminate the win/lose paradigm and replace that with a process in which we reach an agreement that works for both you.
With an experienced and well-trained collaborative practice expert, you can cover a lot of ground: financial issues including child custody and child support, parenting schedules, medial insurance coverage, property division, possible tax consequences, spousal support, to name only a few.
In this process, all parties are guided principles that undergird all good conflict resolution: 1) you agree to forgo the traditional adversarial proceedings 2) you don’t set out to capitalize on the mistakes of your spouse 3) you agree to get everything out in the open 4) you agree to keep appropriate information confidential 4) and you’ll agree to treat your spouse as you would want to be treated.
The 5 Most Costly Divorce Mistakes
We’ve all seen the hard hitting divorce lawyers who tell their clients that they will fight to the death and emerge victorious – no matter the cost. And sometimes that cost can literally decimate your bank account – and your spirit.
In my 25 years as a divorce mediation attorney (I now practice in Walnut Creek, CA), I’ve seen a lot of heartache. Much of that heartache is attributable to the misguided belief that the adversarial process works, and that letting your attorney navigate that process on your behalf will somehow work toward a good outcome.
In fact, entering that traditional adversarial process in which you “let your attorney handle it” is really the first and probably the worst step you can take when you are faced with a divorce — if your goal is to retain your money, your sanity and any shred of a relationship with your future ex-spouse.
In fact, there are 5 big mistakes you can make that will cost you time, money, and peace of mind.
Mistake # 1: Letting your attorney handle it. When you cede control of your divorce to your attorney, this actually sets you on a pathway for a protracted and expensive process that rarely has a win-win outcome for you or your spouse. Both you and your spouse need to be actively engaged in the divorce process to bring about a viable outcome that will work for your lives moving forward. And no attorney, no matter how good he or she is, knows better than you what is best for you, your spouse, and your children.
Mistake # 2: When you hire an adversarial lawyer, you unwittingly rely on a court system and a judge to decide fairly – an unrealistic expectation at best. No court or judge knows better than you what is best for you, your spouse or your children.
Mistake # 3: Fighting with your spouse as if you have to win and your spouse has to lose. Research and divorce statistics show that when you and your spouse set yourselves on a win-at-all-costs pathway, you waste time, money, and valuable energy that could be directed to your mutual healing and building a future that holds the promise of joy and stability.
Mistake # 4: Putting your children in the middle of your divorce by asking them carry messages between you and your spouse. When you are in an adversarial process with your spouse, there are no open lines of communication, which unwittingly puts your children in the awkward and often damaging position of being message-delivers.
Mistake # 5: Expecting to get everything you want. No one ever gets everything they want in life. It’s as true for divorce as it is for any other experience in life. When you stop expecting to get everything you want and work with your spouse to get what you need and what your spouse needs, you will find a pathway through your divorce. Until then, you are burning time, money and the future emotional health of your family.
So how can you avoid these mistakes?
Consider a pathway that seeks shared knowledge and collaboration instead of an adversarial process that mandates a fight where both you and your spouse will ultimately lose. This may mean hiring a neutral third party mediator to work with you and your spouse.
If this is not viable, consider the collaborative practice model in which you and your spouse each retain an attorney – and all four of you agree to a set of ground rules and a collaborative process that can help facilitate a win-win agreement. In a collaborative practice or mediation model you and your spouse agree to avoid court altogether by working in real time toward solutions, instead of fighting about the past.
Divorce attorneys who do mediation and collaborative practice have the training to help you navigate this difficult journey with a dignity and purpose that will benefit your entire family by eliminating the win/lose paradigm. We replace that old paradigm with a process in which we reach an agreement that works for both you.
With an experienced and well-trained collaborative practice expert, you can cover a lot of ground: financial issues including child custody and child support, parenting schedules, medial insurance coverage, property division, possible tax consequences, spousal support, to name only a few.
Collaborative practice, in particular, basically pulls from the principles that guide all good conflict resolution: 1) you agree to forgo the traditional adversarial proceedings 2) you don’t set out to capitalize on the mistakes of your spouse 3) you agree to get everything out in the open 4) you agree to keep appropriate information confidential 4) and you’ll agree to treat your spouse as you would want to be treated.
Help with CA Divorce, child support, collaboration, mediation, and family law questions
Divorce is painful. You have issues of child support, custody, alimony mixed in with family law and outside litigation. You need legal advice, but how do you get it from a top divorce attorney?
One approach that preserves the dignity of all parties is through a collaborative mediation approach. The lawyers from both sides work together with a team, including a financial professional, a divorce coach, a child specialist, and a counselor, all of whom help you on your journey to create a post-divorce family system in which everyone thrives.
Children suffer in divorce, and their needs must come first. Collaborative divorce attorneys understan the priorities and serve to mediate an equitable solution for everyone.
As a member of the California State bar association and a practicing divorce lawyer, trianed as a divorce mediation attorney, I am a specialist in dispute resolution and providing the kind of help with divorce that allows all parties to win.
Collaborative divorce is a hybrid that brings the best of mediation practice together with a stable of experts who work together to provide the advice and clarity you need to make good decisions. With the help of a well-trained collaborative practice expert you’ll resolve issues around finances, including child custody and child support, parenting schedules, health insurance coverage, property division, possible tax consequences, and spousal support, plus many others.
For these reasons collaboration can be a better alternative than mediation. As an attorney mediator practicing in Walnut Creek, CA, I understand that both mediation and collaborative practice are often less stressful, less time-consuming, less expensive, and better for children. The focus remains on the future and moving forward instead of arguing over past details that often leave couples at a standstill.
The key to successful divorce is to improve communication. With better communication both parties have more control over their own divorce, and the process promotes respect and dignity.
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Michele McInaney is a divorce mediation attorney located in Walnut Creek, CA, serving Alamo, Danville, Orinda, and all of Contra Costa County and the East Bay. Michele is a top attorney, and was recognized as a top-10 legal professional by San Jose magazine.
Set up a free consultation with Michele, or ask a question.
All information you share with Michelle is confidential.
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